I was never big on having roommates, especially ones who refused to lie to my parents about my whereabouts. So for the majority of my twenties, it was just my poodle, Mr. Teets and I. Then I ran out of money. I needed to downsize my lifestyle.
My second cousin, Herschel was also in the market for a roommate. He and I were a year apart in school, both went to UCLA, and had ABSOLUTELY nothing in common. While Herschel graduated and immediately got into the world of investment banking, I spent the majority of my days convincing foreign people on Craig’s List that I was an English as a second language teacher. When they’d come to my house, I’d request twenty bucks, then spend an hour making them read aloud scenes I needed to prepare for that week’s auditions.
When Herschel brought up the idea of living together, I laughed. Hershel was an Orthodox Jew with zero hot friends and way too many Phish Cds. The idea of us cohabitating sounded more boring than a Sophia Coppola film. With time however, I started to see the upside to his proposition. I was an overeducated, unemployed actress and the only man in my life was neutered. Herschel had a stable job, no sex life he could throw in my face, and zero interest in stealing any of my clothes.
Gradually, he got used to my speaking to Teets in German and I got used to hiding bacon in my bedroom. We were like the odd couple. He was the left brained mathematical genius who taught me how to tip at restaurants (by leaving only 10%) and I was the right brained artist type who exposed him to his first painting of a girl being unintentionally fucked in the ass.
Teets had come to know him as “Der Juden” and me, “The Best Roommate Ever”. Then, in early spring, an incident occurred which changed our dynamic forever.
My sister Pam and I took Teets to the Gove, an outdoor mall on the eastside of town. Teets trotted along beside us as we browsed from shop to shop.
When Teets was a baby, I taught him to only poop in beds of ivy. Not only did this make him look like a regal little gentleman, it also saved me the need to ever carry bags to clean up after him. As my sister and I exited Victoria’s secret and headed towards Nordstroms, Teets notified us that he needed a restroom. He pulled me towards an immaculate flowerbed in the center square. Knowing I’d get arrested if I let him dive into the pansies, I reined him in and continued walking. I figured he could stave off whatever needed to happen until we could tuck into a more discrete location.
Weighing in at a whopping nine pounds, eleven ounces, Teets looks like a curly, brown Fraggle with the face of Richard Dreyfuss circ. What about Bob. In other words, a KID MAGNET. My sister was blathering on about why Asian girls are so skinny when out of nowhere a little girl jumped out and started practically strangling Teets.
“ Mommy, look at the puppy!” She exclaimed.
Teets looked up at me for help. I answered the typical series of questions as I pried the little girl’s arms off his torso.
“ He’s two. Yup, a poodle, I know, he has human eyes, right?” I said.
The next question came as a shock to me, my sister and every other mall patron.
“ What’s coming out of his butt?” The little girl asked.
I looked down at Teets who was staring straight at me as, what looked like a fucking shit strangled CONDOM made it’s way out his little asshole.
“The Fuck?” My sister screamed.
The mother quickly ushered her daughter away as I tried to pull Teets off the condom he’d just passed. The problem however, was that it was stuck to his curly Q ass hair. My sister started hyperventilating as she attempted to block me from oncoming passers by. I picked Teets up and rushed him to the nearest trashcan where I proceeded to shake him vigorously waiting for the condom to drop. It didn’t. I made a mental note to remember this if I was ever cast as a baby shaking au pair.
“ Just so you know, everyone at this mall thinks you are the biggest whore right now,” my sister explained.
“ I’m not even having sex! Just hand me a receipt or something I can use to pull the rest of it out of him,” I barked.
My sister rummaged through her purse and pulled out a tampon.
“ Really? This is the best you can do.” I asked.
“ You’re lucky I’m still standing here being seen with you,” she replied.
I folded the tampon into make shift tongs and gingerly extracted the rest of the digested rubber.
Teets looked up at me guiltily. He knew that I knew that he knew better than to eat semen, especially, when that semen didn’t belong to someone I was fucking.
I was overcome with emotion. Was my dog a drug mule? Did he have Aids? Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
Before I could answer any of these questions, Teets was shitting again! Yet another condom plopped on the ground.
Mortified, my sister loudly stated that it was just ringworm and grabbed the mangled feces sculpture with her bare hands.
Gripping the latex turd, she made a beeline for her car.
We drove Teets to the Vet where he was X-rayed and a final condom was discovered. The Doctor gave him some laxatives and told me to call if I didn’t see #3 in his #2 later that evening.
That evening, the condom smuggler and I returned to our apartment to find Hershel standing in my bedroom holding one of my bathing suits.
“Hey, can I help you?” I said, curious.
“ Oh, I was just returning this. Becca, needed something to wear in the hot tub so…”
“ The girl I’ve been seeing. Wanna meet her?”
Hershel escorted me into his room where I saw a hot Playboyesque model on all fours in his bathroom.
“ Someone got into your trash, Hersh,” she said without looking up.
Instantly, I knew what had happened and I didn’t like it. Hershel was having sex. While, his super fun, “always mistaken for a Shiksa” second cousin and her cum dumpster hound were celibate!
“ Teets has been eating all your discarded condoms, so maybe try not leaving them in the trash” I said as politely as possible.
As I watched Teets hatch Hershel’s final sperm baby dream catcher, I thought about how foolish I’d been. Hershel was an amazing guy with a million things going for him if you didn’t know he liked Phish. There was no reason he shouldn’t be sexually active. I was being shallow and judged him unfairly. Had anything happened to threaten Teets’ physical wellbeing I would have of course murdered him with my bare hands.
But it didn’t.
Teets was fine with perhaps even stronger nails and better skin.
I fucked my stepbrother a week later.